When rudeness transforms

I've always been somewhat lacking in social skills. I think it dates back to my childhood, when no one listened to me anyway, or if they did, I had to jump right in before they moved on. In any case, I developed a caustic wit and a reputation for being very direct (AKA rude).

Then, about 15 years ago, I had an aha moment. I was riding in the car with a woman I've known my whole life. At the time, she was about 5-6 years older than I am now. In the middle of a conversation about something truly trivial, she told me that at her age she no longer felt like she had to be nice or accommodating or polite. She went on to say that she had earned the right to "say whatever is on her mind."

Now, my experience of this person was that she had always had two distinct personae: one was bitchy and self-involved; the other was sweet, helpful, and, from my perspective, utterly phony and reserved for a small circle of friends and total strangers. I assumed that her proclamation meant that there would now be only one of her, the bitchy self-involved one I had always known.

The aha part came about when I realized that I had somehow inherited the bitchy part of her, and that I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want the false thing she was discarding, but I did want to make a change--a real change.

I then went on a journey, the intent of which was to become a no less honest, no less witty, but infinitely more pleasant person to be around. I think I have succeeded. The people I have met over the past dozen or so years still think of me as being direct, but not in a nasty way. I still have a sense of humour, but it tends toward the self-deprecating rather than the caustic variety. Best of all, it feels real to me, like over the years I was (mostly) able to successfully rid myself of a personal style that wasn't working for me any longer. I'm guessing that it never did.

All that is well and good, however I am beginning to think that it is out of step with developing cultural norms. Reading comments on websites, and interacting with people in the grocery store, it seems that rude is the new default for interacting with each other, at least in situations that are not mediated by actual relationships. Listening to how people talk to and about people they presumably love, it seems to be a big part of those relationships as well.

Oh well, I'm out of step. Again.